Today I Cried

Written Sunday, April 5

I’ve been handling the tragedy that our world is facing pretty well.  I’ve been keeping positive, spending time with Jesus everyday, and simply trusting that He is in control.  But, today, I cried. I’m not a crier. I probably have a good cry MAYBE 5 times a year. It takes a lot to get me there and usually it’s hormones that push me over the edge.  Today, though, I had a cry that was not hormone-related and was several weeks coming.   

This morning, my husband and I got up early and arrived at Target right as it opened.  We knew that was the only way we’d get some of the items that we needed. The number of people in masks and gloves, the red circles that were 6 feet apart indicating where to stand at the check-out, the sneeze guards that are now between the cashier and the customer, and the weird dance we constantly had to do in order to reach products on the shelves without getting into other people’s 6 feet of personal space made me feel so heavy.  We then headed to Aldi which pushed me beyond what I thought I could handle. But, let me say this loud and clear. My faith still runs deep. I in no way doubt God or question His control. What I’m feeling, instead, is something that my Uncle Jim summed up perfectly in his comment on THIS blog post. I’m feeling sorrow.

Sorrow:  a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others. ~ dictionary.com

Read that definition again.  I think sorrow is something that every single person in the world has felt in the last few months.  I’m honestly not feeling sorrow for me. I’m feeling sorrow for the people of the world. Being out in public today brought all of the feelings deep within me to the surface and they emerged as soon as I sat down in my van.  My thoughts were a jumbled mess, so my husband took the extra long way home and listened as I sobbed and worked through all of my thoughts.  

Today I cried for all of the coronavirus victims that are in the hospital fighting for their lives all by themselves because their family members can’t stay with them.  I know a nurse who is working the front lines in a COVID hospital directly with patients who have the virus. She has talked about the fear in people’s eyes as they are being dropped off at the door.  These people are terrified as they have no idea what their next few days will hold and they have no family with them to comfort them.  

Today I cried for everyone who has had to drop a family member off at the hospital and couldn’t stay because of the risk of being infected themselves.  I can’t imagine dropping my mom, husband, or anyone else for that matter off at a hospital and then leaving. All I can think is, “God be with them.”

Today I cried for the people who have to die alone.  I’ve heard stories of families who have had to say goodbye through FaceTime or over the phone.  I truly have nothing else to say about that. It’s beyond heartbreaking. 

Today I cried for family members who can’t be with their loved ones during their final hours.  I had the privilege of being with my mother-in-law as she was transitioning from this life to heaven and there was no place I would have rather been.  Holding her hand and comforting her during her last hours did my heart so much good. It brought closure. I can’t imagine thinking of her dying alone.  So many people are not able to have this closure and the peace that comes from comforting their dying loved one during their final moments of life.

Today I cried for the people who have lost friends or family members (and not just from coronavirus) and are unable to grieve among family members due to social distancing. When we lose someone dear to us, the only tiny bit of comfort we are often able to find is within our family and friends who are experiencing the same emotions.  Being with loved ones who are also grieving brings a small sense of peace. I know of people who are currently grieving alone. Wives who have lost husbands, parents who have lost children, daughters who have lost fathers, sisters who have lost brothers. Can you imagine the loneliness and despair they must feel?   

Today I cried for the people who are having to watch the funerals of their loved one that lives states away over FaceTime and other platforms because unnecessary travel is forbidden.  There are funerals that are taking place with only a handful of people because groups of 10 or more are forbidden.  So much comfort can be found during visitations/wakes and funerals as people file through expressing their condolences and sharing fond memories and kind words about your loved one.  I can think of no greater way to honor someone’s life. But, that just isn’t possible at this time.

Today I cried for small business owners.  These people have put their heart and soul into their businesses.  They’ve invested their life savings into their companies. This is their livelihood and now they have no clue what will happen.  They’ve had to close shop and just hope and pray they can survive. They have family members and employees depending on them, but their hands are tied.   

Today I cried for the people who have lost their jobs or who will lose their jobs.  I have heard people continuously say they have been calling to apply for unemployment benefits for weeks, but they can’t get through because the Department of Labor’s system is overloaded.  I know we have a long road ahead of us and it’s going to take our economy a very long time to recover from this.  

Once my tears were dry, I began processing what had just happened.  “I really do trust you, God. Please don’t mistake my tears as mistrust.”  He gently reminded me of when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. He had received word that his good friend Lazarus was sick and had died.  So, Jesus, along with his disciples, headed to Judea so that He could heal Lazarus and raise him back up. As He was getting closer to the tomb, Mary, the sister of Lazarus, ran out to meet Him.  She was crying, no doubt sobbing, as she fell at the feet of Jesus. When He saw Mary and the Jews that were with her crying, “he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled,” (John 11:33). Jesus then began to weep himself.  But why? He knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. He cried because He felt sorrow for His friends. He experienced that deep distress caused by loss and misfortune. Even though He knew the outcome, He was moved deeply in His spirit and felt troubled.  As this story came to mind, I went to www.biblehub.com and looked at a commentary to find out more about why Jesus cried.  Barnes Notes on the Bible says this, “It is right, it is natural, it is indispensable for the Christian to sympathize with others in their afflictions. Romans 12:15; “rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.”  

If you are feeling sorrow during this time in our world’s history, do not feel bad about shedding tears.  Jesus himself did as He saw the grief that His friends were experiencing. On March 23, Max Lucado posted a simple sentence on his Facebook page.  It said this, “Grant yourself a good meltdown.” It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to feel sorrow. It does not show a lack of faith. It shows compassion, just as Jesus had.   Don’t Wait to let your emotions out. It’s normal. It’s biblical. It’s healing.