I know that I have been MIA lately, so I decided I should give a bit of an update. It’s been a month and a half since my last post, but for good reason. On January 8, I published an entry which can be found HERE about my friend, Kim, who has been battling brain cancer for the last 5+ years. Shortly after I published my post, Kim found out that she only has a short amount of time left. The tumors are growing rapidly and unless the Lord heals her (which I believe He still can), her journey on earth will soon be over. The news took some weeks for me to process and my husband and I jumped in to start helping her family. I’ve devoted my writing time to her family for now, but plan to pick blogging back up more regularly soon.
In addition to major life changes for Kim, I also have some changes coming in my life. For the last almost 6 years I have babysat full-time on top of homeschooling my children. It’s always worked well for our family. I have been able to stay home with my children as well as contribute financially toward our childrens’ extracurricular activities. I’ve always said that I have the best job ever as I get to love on these sweet babies, get my “baby-fix” in, and then I send them home at night so I can sleep. It’s a pretty good deal! I thought it was something that I would always do. My son even said a few years back, “Mom, I don’t think there will ever be a day when you won’t have extra babies/children in your house.” I agreed with him whole-heartedly…until December of this past year.
This is an older picture, but these are all of my babies! Left to right: Rian (who is now in 1st grade, but was with me from 11 months of age until he started Kindergarten), Justus (who has been with me for a year and a half and is now almost 2), Della (has been with me for 6 months and is now 14 months old), and Cadence (has been with me for 2.5 years and is almost 3).
At the beginning of December 2020, I began to feel restless. Do you know that feeling? I just wasn’t content and something seemed to be off. I began asking the Lord what He was doing within me and soon I started feeling like my babysitting days were coming to an end. It made absolutely no sense to me because the 3 little ones that I keep are like my own. I love them with every fiber of my being and thought that I’d have them until they went to preschool or kindergarten. Why were these days ending?
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. ~ Proverbs 16:9
I prayed through all of December and by January, I knew that the Lord was moving me on to something else, though I had no clue what. Meeting with the 2 families that I work for to give them the news was very difficult, but after much prayer and agonizing over the decision, I knew it was what I was supposed to do.
At this point I will be done on March 31 unless they are able to find childcare sooner. I am praying that these babies will find the place that is a perfect fit for them, where they will be well loved and taught about the love of Jesus just as they have been here. I know that if I love them as much as I do, Jesus loves them even more.
I will miss these snuggles so much!
I’m still not exactly sure where my journey will take me next, but I’m starting to get some clear direction. I’m excited about what the future holds and I know it will give me more time to blog. I also know for sure that the Lord is leading me to a pretty big project in addition to this blog here at Don’t Wait which I will share more about as I am able.
I will be continuing to spend more time with Kim during what appears to be her last days. Walking with a friend while they are literally in the valley of the shadow of death is a sobering experience. It’s hard, it’s messy, but it’s exactly where I want to be.
In the coming days, I will continue to pray for direction and seek wisdom through God’s Word. If you believe in the power of prayer, I would love it if you would be in prayer for me. I need continued guidance, wisdom, clarity, and focus as I walk into a whole new season of life. Also, pray that these sweet children will find new childcare that is the perfect fit for their family.
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. ~ Psalm 119:105
How about you? Do you feel a pull toward a new project in life? Is there something that you’ve been wanting to do, but are too afraid? Life is too short to sit and let the days pass you by. We were not created to live in our own bubble. Let’s reach out, share our stories, and spread the hope that we have with others. Pray and ask God for wisdom and then act on what He tells you to do. And whatever you do, DON’T WAIT!
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~ Roman 8:28
If you’ve been in church any amount of time you’ve probably heard this verse a time or two (and probably more). Think closely about the words of this promise. God works for our good in ALL things. He doesn’t say in just a few things or in SOME things. He says ALL things. That means the good as well as the bad.
In an earlier post which can be found HERE, I wrote about the time that God spoke to me after my second father (Papa) passed away. His words calmed me for a bit and eased some of the turmoil that was ravaging my mind. I also mentioned that throughout my entire grieving process, I had some really tough days, but it was His voice that would always quiet my soul and reorient me back to Him. I would have never dreamed that losing Papa (one of the worst days of my entire life) would be used for my good. But, God did use it for something amazing because that’s just the kind of God that He is.
Let’s rewind to about 6 months prior to Papa’s death. I had reached a point in my spiritual journey where I felt stuck. Even though I had gone to church faithfully for my entire life, I could not wrap my head around God’s love for me. I couldn’t understand how He would love ME and care for ME in spite of all that I was. I struggled to comprehend the depth of it, though I earnestly desired to. So, I began asking Him to help me to grasp His love for me. I had read a book called Deeper, by Debbie Alsdorf, which told the story of how God had used Psalm 139 to bring healing to Debbie’s life by taking what she knew in her head about God’s love and planting it in her heart. I knew that I desperately needed the idea that God loved me to be shifted from my mind and to become deeply embedded into my heart.
I printed Psalm 139 out in several different versions of the Bible and began pouring over them. I would spread them out in front of me as I knelt on the floor, begging God to help me understand His love and care for me. I would read each verse slowly from all 4 different translations that I had printed out, just trying to find SOMETHING that would make it all click for me.
This search continued until Papa passed away in July of 2008. My pursuit of understanding was put on the back burner (or so I thought) as I worked through my grief. For the remainder of the summer, my mind was still clouded and my world was dark and gray. I typically am not an emotional person, but for the next few months, I cried every single day. I had never felt such deep sorrow. I was advised by several friends to take my time grieving, so I took their words to heart. I knew that I needed to grieve properly in order for healing to take place.
About 3 months in, bitterness began to creep its way into my life. How could God do this to me? The only thing that made me feel better about losing my first dad was that my mom had married Papa. If my first dad had not died, Papa would have never been in my life. But now, they were both gone. Why would God make my mom a widow at the age of 34 and then again at 59? She still had many years left to live. She had always served God and lived a good life. She didn’t deserve this. And what about my kids? They had lost their grandfather whom they were very close to. My flesh and earthly perspective took over and I forgot all about the fact that the trials and adversities in this life have purpose. I lost sight of the promise that His ways and thoughts are higher than mine.
Over time, I began to hate the way that I felt. Bitterness just doesn’t feel good when it festers and festers. It begins to bleed into all areas of life and can be a huge, unnecessary burden. So, I told my husband that I was going to dig my heels in and work through the resentment that I was feeling. He patiently supported me through the long, arduous process. I used my journal as my outlet and didn’t hold back as I wrote. My entries were written to God because I knew that my healing could be found in Him. But, I was pretty angry with Him, and I laid it all out. I confess I said some pretty harsh things. I lashed out, questioned Him, and said things that I never should have said.
A few months into this process, I was standing in the bathroom and picked up a copy of “The Message” (a translation of the Bible) and opened it to begin reading. I’m not even sure why I was reading in the bathroom, but the exact moment will forever be etched in my memories. I randomly opened to Ephesians chapter 3 and began reading where my eyes landed.
16 I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit – not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength – 17 that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, 18 you’ll be able to take in with all Christians the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths!
The very second that I read, “Plumb the depths!” I felt every single bit of bitterness and anger that I had been carrying around COMPLETELY disappear and I felt an overwhelming, deep sense of love that was undeniably from God. Think about it. I had certainly tested its length. And I had undoubtedly plumbed the depths. I had said nasty things to God. Things that He didn’t deserve. Things that were terribly cruel. And in spite of all that I had said, God loved me so much that He reached down and in a split second He healed my heart. The healing has remained for 11 years and I’ve never once felt even an ounce of resentment since that day. It was truly supernatural.
Can you see that God uses all things for our good? Losing Papa was one of my absolute biggest fears. Knowing that I would no longer have his love and support here on this earth again absolutely wrecked me. But, God had used one of the most tragic events in my life to answer my prayer. He taught me about His love. I finally got that He loved me deeply no matter who I am at the core of my sin-filled being. Even when I had said nasty, hateful things to Him, He touched my heart and healed me. That is something that only God himself can do.
Are you in need of healing in an area of your life? Don’t Wait to ask God to mend you. Remember that He can use every single thing to work for your good, to bring you closer to Him, to make you more like Him, if you will just allow Him to. Reach out to Him and experience the breadth of His love. He loves you more than you can fathom. I know that I still don’t completely understand how deeply he cares for me because my human mind can’t even begin to comprehend that. But, I do know that His love is immense and it’s His desire to bring you ever closer to Him. It doesn’t matter if you are new to faith or a seasoned believer, ask Him to use every area of your life for His glory. Do it today. And whatever you do, DON’T WAIT!!!
Have you ever had a time in life when you thought you heard God’s voice? Perhaps you were in the middle of making a life changing decision and you felt peace about going in a particular direction. Or maybe you were struggling with a difficult relationship and you came across a scripture that instructed you on how to handle the situation. God can use many different means in which to speak to us. Sometimes He may use the Godly wisdom of a friend through a conversation or He may use the lyrics to a song to encourage you.
One of the most comforting aspects of following Christ is the fact that He sees us, knows what we’re facing, and speaks to us. He cares about every area of our lives and wants to guide us through each circumstance that we face. His words offer comfort, correction, guidance, reassurance, instruction, encouragement, and confirmation.
In my last post found HERE I blogged about my earthly father’s love as well as the love of our Heavenly Father. I told you about my dad’s extraordinary final days of life, but my life obviously didn’t stop there. Shortly after he passed away, my mom married a man who raised me and loved me as his own. To avoid confusion, I will be referring to him as Papa. I always have referred to him as my dad, but that gets confusing as I have had two dads. This seems the best way to differentiate between the two.
Mom and Papa’s wedding day in 1984
Papa and I had an incredibly deep connection. As adults, we both battled depression and anxiety, so I knew he really understood me. If I was having a rough day where I couldn’t shut my mind off, I knew he got it. If he was having a hard time getting started in the morning, I understood. We talked daily on the phone and I knew that if I needed him at any time of the day, he was going to answer his phone. There were even times that I would call him while he was in the middle of running a meeting at work and he would still answer. Once he knew I was ok, he would say, “Honey, I’m in the middle of a meeting. I’ll call you back as soon as I can.” He was a constant, steady force in my life.
Our last family in 2007, the summer before Papa passed away.
In July of 2008, I received some of the worst news of my life. While at a wedding rehearsal where I was to be a bridesmaid the very next day, my husband walked in and with just one look at his face, I knew something was wrong. As I walked toward him down the aisle, I began to tremble because I strongly sensed a major blow was coming. Did something happen to one of our kids? He took my hand and said, “It’s your dad. He’s dead.” As I crumbled into his arms, my mind began to race. I couldn’t even begin to form a complete thought. This was my worst fear come true. The only thing that made me feel better about losing my first father was the fact that God had brought Papa into my life. And now he was gone too.
Within a few minutes, my mind cleared enough to think of my mom. How was she? When she answered the phone, I’ll never forget the sheer horror in her voice. She had been the one to find him and her attempts at CPR were unsuccessful. As she struggled to talk to me, she was hyperventilating, so I could barely understand her. I don’t think we had much of a conversation due to the shock that we were both experiencing and the lack of focus that we had.
As Earl drove me home, questions were bombarding my mind. My children. Did they know? DId they realize that their Papa would no longer be able to buy them donuts or send them money when they were saving for a new toy? Oh, and when was the last time I had talked to him? Had we spoken at all that week? Did he know how much I loved him? I eventually remembered that we had spoken on the phone twice that morning. He had said that he hadn’t slept well, but he gave no indication that anything at all was wrong. How could this be?
The news had come late in the day, so we decided to wait until the next morning to make the 10 hour trip to my mom’s. That night remains a blur. I couldn’t eat because I was sure I would vomit the minute anything hit my stomach. I tried to pack for the kids and myself, but my thoughts were all over the place. I couldn’t sleep because my mind wouldn’t shut off. My husband and children slept with me in our den that night – I couldn’t bear to be alone. The heaviness and darkness made the night seem even longer as I laid awake, staring at the ceiling. I couldn’t wait for the sun to rise so that we could make the long drive to my parent’s home.
The sun did indeed rise, but my world didn’t brighten. Everything remained dark and heavy and a constant fog followed me. We made it safely to my mom’s in record time and I had been warned by my sister-in-law that my parent’s house was swarming with people who wanted to show our family love and support. She was right. As we pulled in, the house literally seemed to be crawling with people. There were friends and loved ones on the porch as well as packed inside the house. My husband parked in such a way that gave me some time alone with my mom and brothers as we embraced in a tearful hug.
The remainder of the day was filled with confusion and a flood of tears. As each family member and friend came and went, my world remained gray and my thoughts swirled in my head. I was in such a dark place mentally that I had a hard time recalling names of certain people and their relationship to my family. There was an absolute storm raging in my mind.
But, then Jesus stepped in.
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. Mark 4:39
That night, I went to bed and attempted to sleep. The nausea was overwhelming and the emotional pain was unbearable. I remember getting about 15 minutes of sleep, and the remainder of the night was spent staring at the tv, but hearing nothing that was said.
Saying our goodbyes. Photo credit: Lara Stovall
When the sun began to peak over the horizon the next day, I sat up on the edge of the bed. I remember staring at the knob on the dresser wondering if I had the strength to stand up. And that’s when I began to hear some gentle, calm words in my thoughts. “That was enough. That was enough. That was enough. That was enough.” Where was it coming from? Why were those words playing over and over in my head?
And then I knew.
You see, the last several years of my dad’s life were spent in agony. About 7 or 8 years before he passed away, he shared a secret with our family that he had been carrying since he was a young child. From the ages of 9-13, while he was an altar boy at church, he had been sexually abused by not just one, but several catholic priests. He attended the church’s school and was called out of class on a regular basis for the local priest’s enjoyment. And when priests visiting from other churches or towns were in, they would join the sick perversion that Papa had to endure.
At the time of his death, he was pursuing a court case against the Catholic diocese for the years of abuse that he had endured. He was working with his attorney on the details of his case and his testimony. The memories of being victimized were having to be revisited again and again as he was going through extensive therapy. Nightmares of the abuse occurred multiple times a week. That was actually the reason that he had not slept well the night before he passed away. So, after years of mental anguish, God looked down on him as he was napping on the family room floor, showed great mercy, and said, “That’s enough.”
Papa had suffered enough. No more nightmares. No more torment. No more therapy or visits with his attorney. He was finally able to rest in God’s peace with a sound mind as he went to his heavenly, eternal home. I had a dream about a year after he died that gave me a glimpse into heaven. He was standing in the midst of a choir and he looked absolutely flawless. The cares of the world were no longer showing on his face. Instead, he had the most peaceful look – the type of look that we have never seen here on earth. The tension and wrinkles on his face were gone and his complexion was as smooth as silk. I truly believe that he is in heaven now waiting with my first dad and will welcome me when I finish this race that I am stumbling on.
When I finally realized that the words “That’s enough” were the words that God spoke over my dad just before he stopped his heart, a sense of peace washed over me. The grief and sadness didn’t disappear, but when God reminded me that every day of my dad’s life was written in His book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16), I was able to feel a small bit of peace.
Giving my eulogy at his funeral
This reminds me of something that I heard a few years ago while at a small group meeting with our church:
“During a recent conflict in the Middle East, Ron and Joke Jones, who serve with the Christian and Missionary Alliance in Israel, wrote in their prayer letter:
The result of the fighting and killing has left a profound sense of discouragement that hovers over the country. Several times we have come into closer contact with this conflict than our comfort zone allowed. Yesterday a friend said she was watching a shepherd caring for his flock near the area where guns are fired. Every time the shots rang out, the sheep scattered in fright. The shepherd touched each of them with his staff and spoke calmly to them, and the sheep settled down because they trusted the shepherd. Then another shot sounded, and the same routine happened. Each time, the sheep needed the shepherd to orient them again and to reassure them they were safe. We are like those sheep. When we are frightened, our Shepherd reaches out and touches us with his staff, speaking words of calm and comfort.” —Greg Asimakoupoulos, Mercer Island, Washington
“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” ~ John 10:27
This is exactly what had happened that morning at my parent’s house. My Shepherd had touched me with His staff and spoken softly to me which calmed me for a bit. Just like these sheep, other shots were fired at me. The grief continued, the questions consumed me, bitterness and anger crept in, but it was always the words of God that would reorient me and remind me that He was with me.
Have YOU ever had a time in life when God spoke to you? Or do you need to hear from Him now? He’s there! He wants to have a relationship with you. He longs to offer you comfort and desires to be your Shepherd. Reach out to Him. Ask him to speak to you and then listen. He tells us that if we seek Him, we will find Him, so speak to Him today. And whatever you do, DON’T WAIT!!!
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